no longer the past self

I've been trying to remember how I used to be in the past. Few years back, when I think I was happier or at least I had hopes and dreams. I was desperately trying to find a specific feeling, a specific place in time when I laughed.

But then I realised: I am no longer that person. The Past is the Past and there is no reason why I should want to be like that anymore. My life is present, I do not live in the past. I can not control the Past and the amount of information, the karmic baggage was different. Why would I want to be something that I already was?!

Just because I think I was happier, does not make it true. Chasing the Past is a dangerous thing. I realised I was stealing myself away from being present. And so, I decided to live the present as graceful as possible. To do as little harm as possible, to give thanks and show empathy to Mother Nature and everything that is around me. Be present, be graceful, be reflective.

With that knowledge, with faith in my power to stick to this awakening thought, I no longer feat the future me. I do not fear that I'll chase the Past again. I will know that no matter which tense, I did the best I could to be present, graceful, compassionate.

to think

Today I thought about the power of thinking. The power to stop and think, to stop the first impulses and rationalise the actions you are about to make. Is this ability the very essence that makes us different than the rest of our less evolved brothers and sisters?

I keep coming back to this theory, obsessively. To have a life full of no regrets because all actions were meditated upon. It does get to me, to remember stupid shit I've done just because I was not bothered to stop and think. And in a fraction of a second, my whole existence got clouded by the burden of shame...

Shame, another feeling I had to get comfortable with

yes, no, I don't know

Between these three expressions, "I don't know" is the one I fear most. I have to get comfortable with this "not knowing" and I can not seem to be successful. I want to, I am trying, but truth be told, I do not like it.

Does a Creator exist? Will I found out? Will Death help?

I still believe it's a matter of choice. I believe it's easy to believe in a special force that always shelters you and supports you. How can I know it for sure, when the brain starts giving meaning to a coincidence? Or vice versa.

It is gutting, this loneliness. It slashes at the heart so viciously. So I give into faith, but faith in whom? Will I really feel better if I know that the God I am creating is fake? And just like that a tremendous quantity of questions appear. They do not help, they just burden me more.

I analyse a lot, it comes so natural to me. Maybe the way to grow is to fight my nature, always listening to reason rather than heart. Or should I find the balance?

What is my goal, really? Why am I obsessing over all of this? I don't know the answer. Yet.

no point in bettering yourself?

I don't think I've heard about Alan Watts, but a speech of his was brought to my attention today and upon listening to it, my first reaction was to believe his words. However, a hint of disbelief was starting to bloom inside my heart. Follow the link below to listen to it.

How to make Yourself a Better Person


The title itself is very catchy. It is rather worrying, as the matter concerns a question we all ask ourselves. And often, too.

But my opinion is that because he seems so sure of himself, his voice is potent and firm, most people tend to believe him. However, I find it that this bloke is quite selective with the information he gives. He is persuasive, his speech is fluent and very well documented, but selective. I believe that he uses the information to his advantage to make his theory plausible. Because that is what one can do, after all, no? He speaks about faith, christianity and hindu, but he gives his own perspective about them. But I read in a hindu book that one must turn within and love itself before loving anyone else. That one must be a observant first, that one should not hurry to make decisions, one must be present. And so, this is where I tend to stop believing in Mr.Watts's speech. I strongly do not agree with his point of view, I do, however, respect it. To do nothing, is to stop evolution. Evolution starts from chaos, from constant search. I do indeed believe that if one can not do good, than at least one should not do bad. That we should not help those that do not ask it. That we do not know better than others. We know for oneself.

I think that it's important to better yourself (especially if you're a dipshit) but just as important how you do it.

Truth of the matter is that we don't know if his speech holds the Truth. It hold his truth, it could hold mine or yours, it could hold everyone's truth, but not the Universal Truth. As far as we all know, there might not even be a Truth.


And I am afraid that death does not guarantee us that we shall find it after we fall in its peaceful, resting arms.

Belief and Truth are two separate things.

reflections of my mind

to wake up after a long illusion that you have permitted is nothing but utter pain and misery. I used to believe so deeply in myself, like children believe their parents will protect them. Faith and fact are like oil and water. That is my opinion.

I have blinded myself about people mostly. I have projected upon them beautiful characteristics, not because I had nothing better to do, but because I saw the potential of their beautiful souls. But is our soul the same with our actions? Not always, I later on found.

I know about myself, now I do. After 29 years of searching and analysing I can say that I finally got to know a big part of who I am. I am mean and greedy. My instincts are of a predator with little compassion towards humans. I blame and judge them for their greedy actions, constant need of validation, waste of food and resources, their mock of Mother Nature. But knowing that it is wrong, I choose not to act upon my instincts, but to call to my intellect and reason with the demon within not to be a total dick. What is the point to fight fire with more fire?!

So there you have it: I believe that who we are and what we do can be two different things. So what if I have grim thoughts, if my actions are the opposite?

"I see a man that has fallen down the street, I know he is a drunk and a pariah of the society. I do not want I want to touch him, I do not want that I should call the ambulance. I want that he has deserve it. How you set your bed is the way you shall sleep in it. But I do stop, I do touch and ask him if he is ok. I do call the local authorities."

So I wonder, why did I not wanted to? Are these my feelings indeed or the ones that have been cultivated by social standards? Who am I to judge someone I do not know? He might have been indeed just a drunk, but just as well a brilliant mathematician driven to despair. Am I so much a product of the 'village that rise me' or my own person? Am I driven by impulse or consciousness?

In the following posts, I would like to analyse these matters

creating alternative realities

Last night, a dear friend and I were talking about the people in our lives and the way we behaved towards them and ourselves alike. We tried finding answers to questions that were hoovering above our heads like heavy clouds, forever raining. To understand is to deform Reality, I believe. Reality is but one, it has no other meaning but what it is and that is all. But trying to find a corner of my brain to fit a certain action, all I did was to create a new reality, a personal, subjective spectrum where I was Queen. And that is not good.

I believe that in order to evolve, I must be the one to grow my mental capacities and not to shift Reality to my understanding. A rose is a rose. It is a flower. Is it a beautiful flower if some one else does not like it? Is it an ugly flower? Does it matter? The rose remains the same: one rose, but once we give it meaning, the essence of it becomes something else: it is the flower of love, the flower of emotional expression, the beauty protected by thorns and so on.

Emotions change everything

beginning

My voyage up until this very moment was ever shifting. I have created blogs and erased them, I kept journals and forgotten them. In a way, I hope someone will read this and write back, as I look for other ideas and opinions. In another way, I don't want anyone to read my thoughts because I am but a spec of dust withing this mighty Universe. I know I am not important, so why would anyone be interested in anything I have to say?!

But I wonder: where does this bipolarity come from? How can I be equally one and the other? I think we are as coins, with two completely different faces, yet merged into One.

I often think about the things around me: Nature, human nature, religion, social influence, faith, science and so on. I am quite opinionated but sometimes I stay silent. 

I feel that at this point of life I am drifting, observing and searching for answers to my curiosity. This blog right here will be my collections of findings.