reflections of my mind

to wake up after a long illusion that you have permitted is nothing but utter pain and misery. I used to believe so deeply in myself, like children believe their parents will protect them. Faith and fact are like oil and water. That is my opinion.

I have blinded myself about people mostly. I have projected upon them beautiful characteristics, not because I had nothing better to do, but because I saw the potential of their beautiful souls. But is our soul the same with our actions? Not always, I later on found.

I know about myself, now I do. After 29 years of searching and analysing I can say that I finally got to know a big part of who I am. I am mean and greedy. My instincts are of a predator with little compassion towards humans. I blame and judge them for their greedy actions, constant need of validation, waste of food and resources, their mock of Mother Nature. But knowing that it is wrong, I choose not to act upon my instincts, but to call to my intellect and reason with the demon within not to be a total dick. What is the point to fight fire with more fire?!

So there you have it: I believe that who we are and what we do can be two different things. So what if I have grim thoughts, if my actions are the opposite?

"I see a man that has fallen down the street, I know he is a drunk and a pariah of the society. I do not want I want to touch him, I do not want that I should call the ambulance. I want that he has deserve it. How you set your bed is the way you shall sleep in it. But I do stop, I do touch and ask him if he is ok. I do call the local authorities."

So I wonder, why did I not wanted to? Are these my feelings indeed or the ones that have been cultivated by social standards? Who am I to judge someone I do not know? He might have been indeed just a drunk, but just as well a brilliant mathematician driven to despair. Am I so much a product of the 'village that rise me' or my own person? Am I driven by impulse or consciousness?

In the following posts, I would like to analyse these matters