Between these three expressions, "I don't know" is the one I fear most. I have to get comfortable with this "not knowing" and I can not seem to be successful. I want to, I am trying, but truth be told, I do not like it.
Does a Creator exist? Will I found out? Will Death help?
I still believe it's a matter of choice. I believe it's easy to believe in a special force that always shelters you and supports you. How can I know it for sure, when the brain starts giving meaning to a coincidence? Or vice versa.
It is gutting, this loneliness. It slashes at the heart so viciously. So I give into faith, but faith in whom? Will I really feel better if I know that the God I am creating is fake? And just like that a tremendous quantity of questions appear. They do not help, they just burden me more.
I analyse a lot, it comes so natural to me. Maybe the way to grow is to fight my nature, always listening to reason rather than heart. Or should I find the balance?
What is my goal, really? Why am I obsessing over all of this? I don't know the answer. Yet.